I'm sure you've all heard that New York Knicks forward Amar'e Stoudemire injured his hand by punching a glass fire-extinguisher case after Monday's loss to the Miami Heat. An unknown person who witnessed the event (the best sources for this kind of thing) said Amar'e "thought the case was plastic, not glass." Brilliant. Because we've all seen those signs that say "In Case of Emergency, Crack Plastic!"
According to reports, Stoudemire received 15 stitches and is expected to miss at least one game and maybe the rest of the playoffs.The injury is certainly embarrassing, but to make him feel better, I've come up with a list of some other hilarious ways NBA players have hurt themselves.
1. By Being a Dick
It's early 2007, and in a game against the Indiana Pacers, Tony Allen of the Boston Celtics has the ball about four feet outside the three-point line. As he makes a move to drive to the hoop, he is immediately fouled by Troy Murphy. The whistle is clearly heard, so the play is dead. But just then, Allen takes a dribble and two long steps and drives all the way from the top of the key to the hoop very aggressively.
Keep in mind that nobody else on the court is playing, because they know the rules of basketball and stop when a whistle is blown. You can see the other players rolling their eyes at him, turning their their backs so as to not encourage his display.
Allen then launches into the air to attempt a tomahawk dunk, and lands grabbing his knee in obvious pain. He would tear his ACL and MCL and miss the remainder of the season. During his injury rehab, Allen also managed to be charged with aggravated battery. Oh, and did I mention, he missed the dunk.
2. By Having Too Many Christmas Presents
On Christmas Day of 2009, Ron Artest, now known as Metta World Peace (I hate having to say that), tripped over a Christmas present at his house and was sidelined for several games with a concussion. After the incident it took a while for Artest to explain himself to reporters, and when he finally did he said the phrase "I can't remember" 15 times.
Of course, not remembering things is a symptom of a concussion, but it's also a symptom of being drunk. I know I am personally wasted by noon on Christmas Day. Artest has famously admitted to drinking Hennessy during games when he played for the Bulls, stating that he would walk to the liquor store to get it at half-time. Whatever the case, I hope he at least tripped over a cool present, and not a tie-rack or something.
3. By Motor Scooter
During the summer of 2008, Golden State Warriors guard Monta Ellis got into a "low-speed moped accident" and tore a ligament in his left ankle. Ellis then lied to team officials, telling them he injured his ankle playing pick-up ball in his hometown of Jackson, Mississippi. But the team quickly found out the real story, because when you hurt yourself playing basketball, the injury isn't typically caked in asphalt, or have deep lacerations on it.
Also, apparently people in the fast-paced town of Jackson, Mississippi, tend to talk when an NBA star crashes a scooter, because it's hilarious.
NBA players are prohibited by contract from riding mopeds, base-jumping, and hanging out with Chris Brown. The Warriors considered voiding Ellis's six-year, $67 million contract but instead decided to suspend him for 30 games -- the length of time he would miss for his injury -- so his little ride ended up costing him $3 million. Upon returning, Ellis received a standing ovation from Golden State fans, who apparently sympathized with his need for low speed.
4. By Man-Hug
In 1993, Kevin Johnson was one of the meanest point guards in the league, and his team, the Phoenix Suns, were a threat to win the championship. On the third-to-last game of the season against the Porland Trail Blazers, Johnson nailed a last-second, game-winning shot.
Johnson was listed at 180 pounds. His teammate, Charles Barkley, who was pushing a good 400, rushed towards him in celebration, grabbing him with a bear hug and apparently putting enough weight on him that he dislocated Johnson's shoulder. Johnson had to miss the rest of the regular season and the Suns' first playoff game against the Lakers. This isn't really Johnson's bad, and in fairness to Charles, he was probably trying to tackle a groupie and got confused.
I hope that helps Amar'e -- and remember, fire extinguishers are for emergencies only.
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